swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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