I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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