My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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