If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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