Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
