I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
