I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
