What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize