Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
