I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
