i don't plan on having that self control this summer
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
