i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
