i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
