I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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