I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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