I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
