We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
