At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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