All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
