I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
