i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
