I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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