I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
