I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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