the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
