My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
