I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
