You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
