I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i now understand why vodka
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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