Need sex. Gaining weight.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
