im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
