You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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