I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
