someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
God, I missed his penis.
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