Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize