Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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