her vagine was all disorganized.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
