My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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