Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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