I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
