I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
