the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
