i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize