So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
