Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
