i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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