Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
