Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
