no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
