Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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