i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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