i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
