From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
