Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
