he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
