Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
