I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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