it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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