I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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